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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  August 26, 2015 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened. the fda approved a libido enhancer for ladies and it's not chris helms worth in a bath rub, the new female viagra is to help residents of the dry gulch by adjusting brain chemistry to increase sex drive turning it into the wetlands. the fda previously rejected the drug but it got some work done and the fda was like dayam girl, you banging and by that i mean you will" facilitate banging. so now the incomes time your parents take a vacation together, you know that they are both of them are riding the little blue pill, to
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sloppy town. also yuck. so comedians what is the side effect of this new drug for boosting lady juice? derek waters, go. >> he's just not into you finally sucks. >> points. >> chris: natasha leggero. >> are the side effects? anti-semitism. (laughter) andy daly. >> i heard the side effect was werewolfism, i done know if that is true. >> chris: yes, it's time to start @midnight captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight it's "tag team thursday". (cheers and applause) presented by monster dna. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers at the @midnight
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twitter account, the winning tag team partner receives a pair of monster dna head phones. tonight-- it's to the going to be any of you guys. tonight's comedians are from the emmy nominated drunk history he is son-- season premier on comedy central, derek waters. (cheers and applause) >> thanks for come on derek waters. >> yeah, yeah. (laughter) >> chris: derek had rightly pointed out before, it's like track & field. >> practicing for years, chris. >> chris: just practicing. tonight you will be playing for@pdxbertioner. that guy looks like he's from portland. now our next comedian is from "another period" tuesdays at 10:30 on comedy central. (cheers and applause) >> another period swus got renewed for a second season. and if that weren't enough
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her hour special live at bimboes premiers saturday at 11:00, also on comedy central, natasha leggero. >> thank you. (applause) >> chris: congratulations. >> thank you. >> chris: "another period" is so [bleep] funniment congratulations and on the special. >> you're our target audience. >> chris: i am, i am. you are playing for@kadyraejones. there she is. >> i like har's potter history and i read way too much. >> another period fan, right there. >> chris: yes, another period fan, from review thursdays at 10:00 on company dee strarbling the first two episodes available on the cc app, it is andy daly. (cheers and applause) now andy, i feel like i'm not off my assessment but like to party, right? >> are you kidding me? i practically invented partying. >> chris: practically which is very exciting because the person are you playing for
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is@p-art-y. >> she's only here for dick pics and free candy. (laughter) >> chris: well, i'm all out of candy. (laughter) >> chris: there is no way to get free candy through twitter, i have tried. >> chris: it is thursday, which means it's our time for our weekly glimpse through the peephole of political pandering. it's panderdome. (cheers and applause) this week former hewlett-packard c.e.o. and dehydrated cheri oteri character carly fiorina-- (laughter) >> chris: made a mild splash in her presidential run by leaving a one-star yelp review for the tsa. what? oh [bleep] real. as if the only thing keeping the tsa from getting their act together was some light
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internet bitching. come on, carly! don't you know they are busy grabbing sweater tits and confiscateing batter ang. we're surprised something so tone deaf would come from someone who once ran a tech company-- into the ground. when you read the review you can smell how someone told her to use social media and she was like, is yelp a social media? and the team was like, i don't know, kind of. and she was like great, i will send them an electronic mailing. (laughter) this is her yelp review for the tsa. >> -- culminated, join us, carly for president,.com. she is basically campaigning in a yelp review. yeah, that's exactly right. you know what, here is the problem. oh, zero friends. (applause) so i don't know this could
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catch on, maybe, what is another yelp review a presidential candidate might write to further their political agenda. derek? >> bill clinton gave his boner five stars. >> chris: yeah,. >> a little dated but it is an old yelp but a good yelp. he said he would love to company back. >> chris: yeah, it is a great place to eat. always. andy daly. >> chris christie gave subway five stars because he'll need a new job and subway needs a new fat spokesperson. (applause) >> chris: points. when you are a presidential candidate trying to prove you are a regular joe and not a detached ambition bot fueled by lobbyist cash, you have to do ode people [bleep] like tossing around the old pigskin. unfortunately for default rpg character model marco rubio, add an iowa campaign stop this week he ened up
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braining a small boy with a football. go long! oops! (laughter) almost as accurate as tim tebow. don't get mad at me, i don't get that reference. (laughter) now let's see that again in the magic of the looping gif. here we go. yes! it is funny every time. (laughter) >> it keeps happening. >> yeah. >> chris: it is in a loop. did you think he was doing this hundreds of times. >> i was like, he's going to learn how to do it at some point, right? (laughter) >> chris: comedians, as rubio a campaign manager, spin this as a positive. andy daly. >> the senator had reason to believe that young man was isis. >> chris: yes, points. yes. (applause) you know what, you're right,
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no one has tried hitting them with a football yet. natasha. >> if we can't end police brutality against black people, maybe a little brutality against blonds will even the score. >> chris: yeah, okay, points, that could help. now wait a minute. >> that is a terrible ideanç. (laughter) >> should up and take it, blondy. all right that is the end-of-panderdome. it's now time for the hashtag wars. (cheers and applause) specifically speaking jokes about flying with better than jokes about driver. we're playing it safe with the #badinflightannounce thes-- announcements. examples might be, my wife just died and we're soon going to join her. or-- or oh god oh god oh god oh god i'm preaching for arrival, oops, that's still on. >> chris: i'm going to put
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60 seconds on the clock and begin. andy daly. >> this is your captain speaking. let's see what this baby can do. (laughter) >> chris: points. natasha. >> 9/11 was an inside job and i'm about to prove it. >> chris: all right, points. derek waters. >> whose-- is this? >> jon: andy daley. >> we:kneels available for purchase, i cooked them myself right after my mother disappeared. >> chris: points. wait, wait, the pilot is serving his mother on the plane. >> that's what i think is happening. >> chris: his mother is in the lasagna. >> my god. >> hope y'all can swim. >> chris: points. andy. >> if anybody back there thinks they can do a better job of flying this plane than me get up here and let's settle this. >> chris: points. natasha. >> thank you for flying united. >> chris: yes, points, yeah,
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yeah, i got to agree. i got to agree. that is the end of the hashtag war, send us your hashtag bad in flight announcements and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back after these messages. (cheers and applause) congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. hashtag war. well pla
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fewer carbs, fewer calories, superior taste. michelob ultra. the superior light beer. (cheers and applause) >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. i i will be continuing my fun comfortable tour through december, the next day delight september 17, 18th, 19 and buffalo and toronto. oh my god! which one, buffalo or toronto? >> toronto! >> chris: yeah. if it was buffalo you wouldn't be that excited. no offense, buffalo. go to fun comfortable tour.com for tickets and info. it's time to play squad goals schmod goals. (cheers and applause) squad goals thinks want to roll with and tag it squad goals am i want to he sho you a follow owe and i want you to tell me what the name of this club is first off these swole bros. do you even lip.
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>> straight as hell. >> chris: yup, points. >> right? (applause) >> chris: natasha. >> orange is the new hates black. (laughter) >> chris: points. fantastic. >> best weekend i ever had in my life hands down! >> it does look great. >> chris: all right, next one, these men's room buddies. derek. >> cool pussy. >> chris: yeah. (laughter) >> i'm not sure which is saying it but i think the red shirt-- red jacket has it cool pussy. >> chris: natasha. >> urine-nation. >> chris: yes. it could just be guys who choose weird places to pray together.
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coss points for that. don't cross the street. next one, this tag team trumpet. >> thunder lips an cotton candy hair. >> chris: yeah, points. derek. >> you are fired, brother. >> chris: points. natasha. >> donald trump and a man who will be a better president than donald trump. >> chris: yeah, points. >> chris: next one, these fun fellas. what have we got. lit reallyly the opposite of the first one. andy. >> poor car atee masters, a kid with a gun and a guy who knows how to make a circle with his fingers. >> chris: yes, points. also lacks like an incredibly disappointing reboot of the warriors.
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next one, these earth mightiest heroes. yes, derek. >> it's a bird, it's a plane, oh, wait, no it's just two dudes [bleep] on a plane. >> chris: yes, points. >> i think. >> chris: natasha. >> just ass league. >> chris: yes, points. >> that's not what water boarding is, is it? (laughter) >> chris: all right. >> this is what they were doing at guantanamo? what? >> inhuman. >> chris: this is the end of squad goals schmod goals it is time for our live challenge, principal of darkness. (applause) well, it's back-to-school
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season. god dachlity, natural leigh parents want teach ares and administrators to care about teaching their kids but santa fe high school might have taken things too far with this sign that blue up, it read school resumes august 20th. resis tabs is futile. you will be educated. (applause) now i have to tell you this, resistance is futile is a quote from star trek next generation so obviously only the coolest kids will get that reference. (applause) number one, let's go number two. comedians, i would like you to come up with an announcement from the evil principal behind this ominous marquee. we'll get your answers when we come back and be right back with more @midnight.
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♪ [female announcer] dsave up to $400 on beautyrest and posturepedic.n, get interest-free financing until 2018 on tempur-pedic. plus, helpful advice from the sleep experts. don't miss mattress price wars at sleep train. the buttery jack was a huge success. people went crazy for a burger with melted garlic herb butter. now, here's the sequel... ...with portobello mushrooms.
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boom. hang on, i don't want anyone to trip... ok. oh yeah. that's jack's new portobello mushroom buttery jack, the sequel to the classic and bacon & swiss, topped with the same melted garlic herb butter, plus portobello mushrooms and grilled onions. spoiler alert: it's awesome. welcome back to @midnight. derek waters natasha leggero and if i'm reading that correctly tv sandy daly. before the break i show you had-- (laughter) >> chris: before the break i
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showed you this marquee outside santa a fay high school reading resistance is futile, you will be educated. i asked you to come up with an announcement from this evil principal. what have you got. derek waters. >> school begins soon, don't forget to shoot yourself a reminder. >> chris: i request see that. -- i can see that. >> natasha. >> to all students this weekend reading asignment is the first 200 pages of my deep space nine fan space. >> you monster! you monster! >> chris: andy daly. >> attention tardy students. to the last, i will grapple with the,. from hell tart i stab at thee. for hate's sake, i spit my last breath at thee! (cheers and applause) >> chris: i got to do a thousand points it andy, 500 natasha, 250 to derek waters. to our next game, unflapable.
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the internet has connected lost relatives and helped topple regimes but mainly you use it to jerk off. sometimes though on the search for a good wankroll you stumble a upon the small percent of the web that is not porn at all, what? for example, you might type in asian facial and you get this. no! so comedians, i am going to show you a series of annoyingly innocent images and i want you to give me the porn search terms that accidentally lead you there. i will start the clock right now. first one andy. >> aryan mom. >> chris: points. (applause) >> chris: next one. natasha. >> blond with no gag reflex. (applause)
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>> chris: amazing. points. next one. natasha. >> four month old gets a mouthful. >> chris: yeah, points. next one. andy. >> things sticking to tits. >> chris: points. next one natasha. >> bathroom supplies. >> chris: yup. this one andy daly. >> [bleep] succulents. (applause) >> chris: last one, derek. >> daisy bloep bloep. >> chris: yeah, definitely,
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points, definitely points. that brings us to the end of unfapable. i was supposed to eliminate someone but this ising to be our last show, i know, well this is our-- hang on. this will be our last show for a couple of weeks so i am in a good mood. so everybody is going for for the win. give them high five. time to see what we brought for the win. now as i said, we're about to take a two week break from our jobs staring at computers all day to relax at home and stair at our phones all day. when we come back on september 8th this is kind of big news we will be on at 11 p.m. for two weeks, all right. 11 p.m. for two weeks. coming back september 8th. it is a shame to be gone so long, so much delicious internet is going to happen and go ungoofed upon. this week brought us amazing headlines like man wanted for throwing pornographic
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paper airplane or this one, drug ring accused of smuggling cocaine in toy mignons. now our break is bound to be packed with similar nonsense. i would like you to predict a headline we'll click on sometime it in the next two weeks. we'll have our comedians answers and name a winner summer bucket list #88: throw a pool party. ♪ ♪ the crisp, refreshing taste of bud light. the perfect beer for checking off your summer bucket list. ♪cheesy bites! ♪with new ranch crust flavor! cheesy bites pizza is back! and sweeten it up with a hershey's triple chocolate brownie for just $5.99. only at pizza hut. at hotels.com by now, about the latest sale it's because you're willfully ignoring me. book now and save during the labor day sale at hotels.com.
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chaers plaus welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i will now wipe these scores
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clean one time before we go on our break, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. good, i will read the answer as loud. you will decide the winner. you are also playing for your tag team player at home. i asked you to come up with a headline during our hiatus. first one. >> chris: okay second one. (cheers and applause) >> chris: or. >> chris: it was definitely number two, i believe that
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was probably natasha leggero! (cheers and applause) you have won along with- @kadyraejones, a pair of monster dna head phones. we'll see you next time, paul f. tompkins, andrea savage, rory scovel. keep the hashtag game going. for our next winner of the day. we'll see you in september at 11 p.m., for a couple weeks. i'0 features videos from the internet and is intended for a mature audience. comedy central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from attempting them. enjoy. >> [moaning] [screaming] oh, my gosh! the baby is out of me, babe! [screaming] [baby crying]

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